Exiles #99

Exiles #99
Yay! I can finally cancel my subscription to this godAWFUL mess of a book! Spider-Man 2099 has been written out in a plot that makes absolutely zero sense for his character! And besides, the title's ending next issue! And then being restarted as The All-New Exiles. Or some such nonsense.

What's most annoying about this issue is, well, here's the solicit:

The exciting conclusion of "A Dream of Two Good Men." The Exiles have their final showdown with Victor Von Doom's Four Fantastic as the clock ticks for a broken dimension. Will Doom's Earth be saved? Does it deserve to be?

And yet, this issue has absolutely nothing to do with that whatsoever!!! It's not a conclusion of any kind, Victor Von Doom's FF do NOT make any sort of appearance, and the clock has already stopped ticking. Doom's Earth was destroyed last issue. The end. This issue has nothing to do with anything. What the fuck?

I was leaning towards Cable and Deadpool to replace this on my direct-by-mail order. But for the time being I've decided to go with Runaways in order to show my support for Joss Whedon. Or should I go with X-Factor? You decide! I've got two issues left before I need to re-up.

Exiles #98

Exiles #98
As usual, this issue is no good. The art by Ronan Cliquet is so jam packed with strange perspectives, and the story by Chris Claremont is, well, just so incredibly sucky. This story is entirely forced. Seriously, it makes no sense. Not that it has since Claremont took over this title. Unfortunately, the longer he stays on this title, the worse it gets, and the closer it comes, I fear, to cancellation. Does anybody think this is good anymore? The only good part of this issue is its cover by Tomm Coker which features Spider-Man 2099 in place of the classic pose of Spider-Man mourning the death of Gwen Stacy. The cover is cool. The story and interior artwork is CRAP. And why is Thunderbird running around again? And wasn't he dead? Whatever.
As an additional note, apparently the fact that since returning to comics Claremont's work has gotten worse and worse has been noted editorially. He's officially been booted from New Excalibur, following the next issue. Please, Marvel! Do the same for Exiles!

Exiles #96

Exiles #96
Well, it's the best issue that we've gotten since Claremont took over on this title. Unfortunately, that's not saying much. The pace in this issue drags sooooooooooo slowly that at the end of the story it feels like everything within could have been accomplished in, possibly, the space of 3-5 pages - total. And weird shit has never been the foray of this book, and Claremont really shouldn't start with that now. See, there's something that he's obviously not grasping here. When you've got a format that WORKS, as Exiles did for roughly 90 issues before he came aboard, you DON'T - ABSOLUTELY DON'T - go TWEAKING IT!! That's just stupid.
Plus, this issue contains some typically awfully hackneyed Claremont dialogue, which in many instances is quite painful to read.
All told however, this book does merit at least an EH.
As I've said, the only reason I continue to read this is for its inclusion of Spider-Man 2099. As long as he remains in the title, all my objections are merely academic. If and when he gets dropped though, you can bet that I'll be dropping this entire series as well, assuming that the writing remains at this atrociously pitifully low level.

Exiles #95

Exiles #95
Okay, so I see that Claremont is now co-writing this title. Does that mean that he'll soon be gone? One can only hope.

Reading this issue feels like watching a movie where the audio and visual aren't synched up quite properly. First example? Betsy shouts "OFF!" while erecting a psychokinetic energy barrier, while the lights go on on - simultaneously, and Morph shrieks like a little girl. Cute, but what?

Next, the monologues as the characters remember back to their first days as Exiles - or whatever - are completely disjointed. To continue the film metaphors, it's as if they were spliced in from a different part of the film, or as if the projectionist forgot to load one of the reels.

Then the Exiles appear to have been sitting down at a table to eat. Thing is, the only one of them who has food in front of him is Morph, the only one who doesn't NEED to eat, and quite possibly can't. Maybe that's why the food is still in front of him - he couldn't eat it. But does that mean that the others were so hungry that they ate their plates and utensils too? Secondly, the art makes it seem as if Blink is coming into the room instead of standing up from the meal, as I suppose she must be. Either that or she's coming back from the kitchen alone where the rest of the team sent her because for some reason she's bussing the table. What? Why the hell aren't they helping? Okay, Miguel and Betsy I can understand, they cooked. But what about the rest of them?

Then Heather's hologram comes on and says that she was waiting for them to ask her a question so that the program could run. Problem is, Blink asked a question in the first few minutes following their arrival at the crystal palace, namely, "Heather, what happened to your control room?" If that's not a question, then I really don't know what crazy ass planet Claremont comes from. That's a fucking question!

And the dialogue. Oh my god, the dialogue. It's just so unbelievably hackneyed. Nobody I have ever met in my entire life talks like that. There even seem to be entire lines of conversation missing!

Another observation: what do the Exiles do when they get home and find the place abandoned? Why of course, they go sightseeing, musing to themselves. Then they have a huge meal. Sorry, if that's the way they do things, then I'd rather these not be the heroes I'd have to rely on. Like, what about repairing the apparent damage so they could maybe, oh, I don't know, actually try to figure out what happened? It's just so incredibly stupid. Claremont at his best. Or worst, depending on your perspective, I suppose.

Now an observation as to wardrobe. The Exiles return wearing COMPLETELY NEW OUTFITS! So, I guess they had time to go shopping before they came home. And the baggage restrictions must have been so tight that they couldn't bring their costumes with them. And apparently, they're able to get back to the dimension nexus of the crystal palace at a whim. And then they change clothes. And then they change clothes AGAIN. And then AGAIN!

Later on, there's a scene where Miggy's working upside down on the controls. And he drops a wrench that looks like it could only be used to bash someone on the head, not to perform delicate repairs with. But the point is, he DROPS it! For absolutely NO APPARENT REASON!

Then, on the next page, Blink says "get suited up Exiles,we're back in business." The thing is, Miggy is the only one not in costume! And on the same page, Miguel says that the reality in trouble appears to be very similar to his own. The thing is, the individuals there all seem to be current analogues. So either he's lying, wrong, or the master of bad dialogue strikes AGAIN!

Yuck. If Claremont is truly going to be leaving this title soon, it can't be soon enough. AWFUL.

Exiles #94

Exiles #94
Just a comment on the "swashbuckling" prowess of "Slaymaster" (lord what a stupid name). Swashbuckling is often defined as an amateurish technique of swordplay which involves uselessly spinning one's own sword in tight circles close to one's body, often banging it on a side shield, in order to intimidate an opponent. In other words, it doesn't work unless the opponent sucks. The only time it would work against a strong opponent would be if it were used as a ruse - to make one's opponent cocky and thus draw him in to a target area, (whereupon the swordfighter would immediately change techniques to something more useful). Nothing that we've seen of Slaymaster implies this. Thus, we are forced to conclude one of two things: 1) Slaymaster's opponents suck. 2) Slaymaster sucks (in addition to having an overinflated ego).

Actually, there a third, more likely possibility: Claremont's an idiot. (Thought I was going to say "Claremont sucks", didn't you? Well, he does, but that would have been altogether too easy.)


What's with all the expositionary dialogue in this book? Nobody talks like that in comics anymore. It hasn't been done since the 90's!
I'm sure the artists try desperately to explain what's happening, but they fail miserably in quite a few places. I mean, what the hell? Sue Storm has eye beams and plasma blasts? Huh?
The "plot" beats are unbelievably silly. What seems to be designed to give this book dramatic tension instead makes it merely laughable, if not outright dirisible.
Claremont writes some of the characters, especially Morph, as if he's never seen them before, and has no clue as to what their personalities are supposed to be.
And the resolution? A bunch of technobabble that makes zero sense whatsoever.
Claremont starts to give creepy romantic feelings to Blink regarding Sabretooth. Ewwwww.

I actually found myself wishing that everybody had died at the end of this story, so that I could stop buying this AWFUL title (which I only do for its inclusion of Spider-Man 2099 - and then doubt myself every month. I keep waiting for him to die or be replaced, so that I can cancel this title), and move my subscription to a more high-quality publication, something which, unfortunately, this title can never be as long as it remains in the hands of Chris Claremont.

Exiles #89

Exiles #89
GOOD. For a one-shot fill-in issue, which is basically what Bedard's run has been since Claremont fell ill. Personally, I prefer him. He started this title, and he deserves to stay on it as long as possible. In this issue, the Exiles hop to twenty worlds in three weeks (we don't see them all), Blink gets incapacitated by the Sinister Six, Miggy gets clobbered by the Serpent Society, Sabretooth fights an alternate reality son (Graydon Creed), and Emma Frost almost undoes Morph's behavior modification. Also, apparently someone must have pointed out to Bedard that way back when he may have goofed, by having Proteus lay claim to a "metal" crown. So a quick expository scene explains that Proteus may have overcome his weakness to metal. And in Thunderbird's dreamstate within the walls of the crystal palace, he manufactures a happy ending for himself where he's married to TJ and having a baby...one from which it's foreshadowed that he may soon be released to find that TJ is now with New Excalibur (perhaps Bedard is actually setting up a Claremont storyline? One can only hope.) - poor T-Bird. Like I said, pretty GOOD. I'll continue subscribing to this title as long as Miggy remains, but I worry about what may happen once Claremont returns.

Exiles #85

Exiles #85
A fun issue, for all that it has very little substance at all. Most of the issue is spent on setting up the plot, and by the time we actually get around to said plot, there's not much room left for it, so we get an extremely abbreviated fight scene, which is supposed to be representative of a similar situation which has occurred numerous times before.
Here's how it is. The timebreakers want control back, so they recruit an all Wolverine team, with the notable inclusion of Wolverine from Days of Future Past. They send the team to Dark Phoenix (the city) to take down an amalgamation of Earth 127's Magneto (Female), Scarlet Sorceror (Male), Quicksilver (Female), Mesmero, and Wolverine. DoFP Wolvie realizes that the timebreakers have tried sending an all Logan team several times before, but all those teams have falen under the thrall of this "Brother Mutant". So he petitions the timebreakers to allow him access to the crystal palace, and ends up recruiting the old team of Exiles to help him out. It would be a more satisfying issue if I could place all the Wolverines, other than the ones recruited this issue, and it would be nice if we could be told how each reality differs from ours. The recruits this issue come from Earths 181 (the same reality as the evil Daredevil), 520(Wolverine from Weapon X - which seems to be identical to 616 for all given purposes), 811 (DoFP), 1880(young James Howlett - also seems identical to 616), 5211(again, no dissimilarities from the Albert (and Elsie-Dee) of 616 - since at one point the pair had some time-traveling adventures, it's possible they're the same ones.), and Z (Marvel Zombies, aka Earth 2149). Like I said, very little info is given besides that - at least nothing which helps me to place each Earth into Marvel publishing history. Somebody should publish a companion book, or a listing of alternate Earths, or something.
[I just placed one of the Wolverines...Mean (Earth 5311), or, "The Fiend-with-No-Name" whose universe was created by Kitty Pryde's imagination in Uncanny X-Men #153, then later in Nightcrawler (Volume 1) #3-4.]
Whatever, so it's an OKAY issue for what Bedard is trying to do...namely, kill time until Claremont is well enough to return or decides that he won't be coming back. Until then, Bedard seems to be under editorial mandate to not do anything which can't be undone. Which shouldn't really be a problem for this book anyways.
Still, he's written better.
Previous issue

Exiles #84

Exiles #84
After last issue's coda to Tony Bedard's overall excellent run, we get to the first issue in the new writer's arc. This new writer who happens to be the same person as the first writer, Tony Bedard. Due to Claremont's illness, Bedard exhausted all of his preplanned issues, and now he's working on fresh material. Except that it seems that this so-called "fresh" material is really just a return to the status quo of the Timebroker. Perhaps Bedard had no new ideas for the title and that's why he was leaving? We'll see.
The starting sequence gets back to the Morph hilarity that we've missed for a while (poor Morph), so that's very satisfying.
This issue would be helped out a LOT by caption boxes identifying the supers from Heather's alternate reality, namely her Alpha Flight and Soviet Super-Soldier teams. Since we've never had a superhero battle story in this reality, it would be nice to get a clear ID on all the players.
As one who collected the entire 2099 run from start to awful finish, I feel that Bedard is really missing the boat when it comes to his characterization of Miguel O'Hara. At least he could search the bargain bins for some of Peter David's excellent work on Spider-Man 2099. And his 2099 slang is completely off. Some of the terms used have never been used before, and well, yeah. Still, it's good to see Gabe again.
Still pissed off about what the powers that be did to the Age of Apocalypse. It's stupid, insipid, uninspired, ridiculous, and completely ruins the perfect ending to that storyline. And it throws plausibility to the winds. That said, Tony Bedard had nothing to do with it, so I guess he has to make do with what he's been given to work with.
And how much do I hate the Lovecraft stuff? A lot.
That said, it's an OKAY issue. Bedard has definitely had stronger issues and I'll keep reading and waiting for them, but this issue had too many problems (not all of Bedard's making) to ignore. Just OKAY.
Who else wants to see a Blink spin-off? Maybe a tales of this alternate reality's X-Men with her as a team leader? At least as a miniseries? Anybody?
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